How to Make Sure Money Doesn’t Make You Hate Your Spouse-5 Tips for Keeping the Peace
Thank you to Laura Glenney who contributed to this article!
Laura is a Registered Psychotherapist based in Woodstock, Ontario. She works with adult clients, particularly couples, to support them in unpacking their story, discovering new understandings, and creating new ways of being. She is passionate about this work, and when she is not in the therapy room (or video call, as it is right now), she is busy with her 2 small children, husband and fur baby! If you’d like to get in touch with her, you can find her on Facebook (@JourneyWellCounsellingService) or connect via email @ lglenney@gmail.com
Managing money is a task that is very difficult for many. If we aren’t taught the skills to manage money from our parents, and MANY are not, we end up as adults who don’t have the knowledge to manage it well. Add a partner into the mix, who typically has drastically different ideas money management and you have created the perfect storm. To help you navigate the waters of money and love, here are a few tips.
1. My first tip is one that you know you should do, but many couples are not doing. You NEED to have regular conversations about money, even if you do not have your finances combined. Regular financial discussions about where you are right now, and where you want to be are important for healthy relationships, and healthy bank accounts. It can be scary if you have never had any discussions around money, to get the ball rolling, I recommend having a monthly money date. Go out to dinner or cook a nice meal at home, get a sitter if you have kids and have fun with it. Setting some expectations before your first money date can help you both feel more comfortable. You could even write out your money date rules, and both sign it! Here are a few rules you could consider.
a. No blaming for past events, we agree to open calm discussion.
b. We are a team and will support one-another’s thoughts and opinions.
c. We won’t always agree. When we disagree, we will take time to consider one-another’s points of view.
2. Don’t try and do what works for others. There is no cookie cutter way to manage your money as a couple. Figure out what works for you and don’t be afraid to adjust if something isn’t working. Some couples thrive having all of their money together, others excel having everything separate, find the what works for you. I have financial coaching clients that fall into all three categories that are making some huge changes to reach their financial goals!
3. Plan for today and your financial future together. Having a plan for your money for today and tomorrow is important. I recommend that all couples have the following to set them up for success:
a. Plans for today: the key for today is a budget, and systems in place to set yourselves up for success in sticking to you budget.
b. Plans for your future: these things aren’t fun to think about but they are important in the unfortunate event that something happens to one of you: life insurance, wills, power of attorney and medical directives don’t seem important today, but if you need them and they aren’t in place their importance is immeasurable.
4. This tip is for everyone, not just couples! Automate your savings, seriously, go now and do this, your future self will thank you for this. You’ve all heard the phrase set it and forget it, right? Let’s do that with your money! While I don’t want you to really forget it, I want you to stash it somewhere that you won’t be tempted to dip into it for something other than it’s intended use. Think about having money to pay for a car repair when you need it! Automation can make this happen and not feel painful. Setting up a transfer to a savings account every payday for $50-75 can add up quickly and will decrease your spending because there is less money in your account to spend! Give it a try today. Large WHAMMY expenses are a huge source of financial stress and being prepared will help you ditch the stress. Some other items you should consider savings for regularly:
a. Gifting
b. Home maintenance
c. Property Tax
d. Annual Insurance Premiums (do you know you can save money by paying annually?)
e. Vacations (this is by far my favourite savings account)
5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. A different perspective, from an expert, can help you see your money and your relationship from a completely different perspective. We don’t know, what we don’t know and having an expert walk along beside you and guide you can take a journey that may take you years, down to months. I personally have levelled up in my business and in my life but working with different coaches. They help in so many ways! The expertise and assistance of a coach, a counsellor or therapist can help to weed through all the noise in the world and in your relationship and provide guidance based on your situation. The internet is a great resource for information, but it can be overwhelming and leave you not knowing where to start.
a. When it is time for a coach:
i. You and your spouse/partner know you can do more to reach your financial goals but are not sure where to start. A coach can help you get focused on why your goals are important and how changes will impact your goals.
ii. You’ve have tried budgeting before but always seem to get off track and fall back into your old ways. A coach will listen to what hasn’t been working for you and give you clear steps to implement systems that will help you stick to your plan.
iii. You and your spouse/partner are considering combining your finances and aren’t sure where to start to manage it together. A coach will help you talk about options and develop a plan to successfully combine your money.
b. a. When it is time for a counsellor or therapist:
i. Conversations about money always end up in a fight, with hurt feelings, or feel really overwhelming. A therapist will help you unpack the cycle that you and your spouse are stuck in around money conversations.
ii. If money is intensely representative of safety or security on a base level, often due to family financial challenges as a child that significantly impacted your security and safety as a child, these conversations can be a challenge. The content doesn’t go anywhere because the emotions underneath are driving the process. A therapist will support you and your partner to unpack the meaning of money and the emotional connection to it in order to de-escalate the conversations.
iii. You and your spouse have difficulties with communication, and want to be able to communicate better. A therapist will support you in examining your communication patterns and skills, and building on those skills to support more effective conversations.
Financial Coaching is still relatively new, and many people don’t really know how a financial coach can fit into their financial future. I find that I get confused for a financial advisor or that people think that I will help them invest or sell them life insurance, but the truth is that I only work for you. I don’t earn a commission from selling you anything. My fees are clearly laid out and that investment gets you my customized advice, support and accountability. I walk alongside you to help you get to where you want to be. Think about how a personal trainer helps you reach your health goals, they give you a plan, they support and encourage you to lift more, or run faster and they talk about your progress with you. A financial coach is exactly like that, but for your money!
If you have any questions about financial coaching, please check out my website (www.moneymindsetfc.com). If you’d like to learn more about working together, the best option is for you to book a free 20-min video chat so we can get to know one-another.
