Not on the Same Page as Your Partner with Money??

If you are not on the same page as your partner with money, I want you to know that you are not alone. This is something that I hear all the time. I often help coach my clients on this topic, so I am here today to help share some guidance with you.

There are different levels of not being on the same page with your partner. I personally think that almost every single relationship has some sort of varying degree of focus on financial goals between the partners. On one end of the spectrum, you both agree on financial goals and are working towards them together, but one of you is a little more frugal and likes to maximize how much is going towards your goal each month, and the other is a little more spendy and wants to add a little more fun and wiggle room into the budget. One the other end of the spectrum, we have partners who hide spending and have debts that the other doesn’t know about. This may also look like one partner controlling the money and the other having no means of accessing the money or the information on where it is going. One end is easily manageable and the other requires a lot more work from both parties to work on repairing

I don’t want to piss around here and start with the first situation, where you’re kind of on the same page - I will of course get to that, but I strongly feel like the latter situation needs to be addressed first. So let’s dive right into the deep end.

If you see some or all of these red flags, I want you to know that you have options!

Your or your partner has full control over the money and the other partner has no access.

You are, or you suspect your partner is, hiding money and/or debt.

Conversations around money are strictly off limits, or typically escalate into an argument.

You have no means to access any money and have to ask your partner if you need to purchase anything.

If these situations or others around money that make you feel uncomfortable are occurring in your relationship, you are not alone. You don’t have to keep doing this alone. There are people that care about you, that want to help. If money is a toxic topic in your relationship, I want you to do whatever you can to seek out someone to talk to. Maybe that is a therapist, a financial counsellor, a trusted friend or family member, or even a neighbour. Even if you haven’t talked to someone in what seems like (or actually is) a year, please reach out. Taking action to make changes in your life is not something that you should be doing on your own. Having a support system is so important. What those actions are, is going to vary widely depending on the situation and your partner. Take a deep breath and know that you’ve got this. Take the first step and reach out to someone you trust today. If you are worried about the cost of getting professional help, many employers have programs that can help you, or if you belong to a church, they can often get you the support you need.

Now, let’s talk about a frugal and a spendy partner. There’s a pretty good chance that you and your partner do not have the same spending habits. This is pretty easy to manage with regular money conversations and check-ins, so that you can both be open about your thoughts and feelings. When you both agree on the larger financial goals, but have different philosophies around how much should go each month towards them, and how much should go towards living today, let’s talk about a few ways to make it work.

Write down your financial goals and then list them based on their importance. Be sure to include an estimated amount of money for each goal.

Now look at your budget (no budget, I’ve got you, CLICK HERE to download my free budget tool), and determine how much each month can go towards you financial goals.

There is likely going to be some debate on the amounts that should go towards some of the different categories. Be patient and listen to what the other has to say and work to find an amount that you both agree on. I strongly encourage you to include personal spending money for each of you in the plan. This is money for you to do whatever you want with, without impacting your financial goals.

Remember the big picture when working on your plan. If it’s important to your partner to include a few things that you believe are extras in the plan, work to find a middle ground that works for both of you. While it may delay your goals slightly, it’s not going to mean you aren’t able to achieve them. This often prevents spending outside of the plan-which will cause an even bigger delay to hitting your financial goals.

Keep the money conversation going. Don’t set the plan, and then never talk about money again. Having regular conversations about your progress is important and can be very motivating to keep going.

Remember that you have options on how you and your partner have your money set up. It doesn’t have to be altogether or all separate, there are so many different options between these two. CLICK HERE to read a recent blog post that talks about the different ways you can set up your finances.

Here are some of the things my hubby and I have in place that really help us!

We each have personal spending accounts, each payday money is automatically transferred into them. We have them set up in accounts that have cards that are debit/credit cards so that we can use them to make online purchases as well as shop in person.

We have a plan that includes a lot of automation. A big part of the automation is money going into different savings accounts so we are ready when life throws us curve balls and to help us plan for the future. A few examples are car repair and annual payments (like insurance). While these aren’t perfect formulas, it’s better to have $600 in your car maintenance fund when you have an $800 bill, than to have to worry about the whole $800.

We have a clear system for making sure the money is taken care of. I know you aren’t shocked by this, but I am the main money manager. This works for us because he doesn’t want to do it, and I do. :) If anything is getting off track or we have money coming in or going out that isn’t part of our plan, we talk about how to manage it.

I don’t want money to be a source of stress in your relationships. We bring so much of what we saw in the relationships around us when we were young, into our relationships as adults around money management. If money was not talked about or was always causing arguments, we have to actively work to change that for ourselves, and for the next generations. So, I want you to put in the work to make the changes that will make you proud of how you are managing your money individually, and with your partner! Managing your money isn’t something that you should be winging it with, so go take action!